wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I need to stop coming to work sober
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
