i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
