so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
