I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
