I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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