if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
