i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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