Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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