Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
