my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
