I wish I could teleport
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
