Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
