Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
