I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
