my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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