you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
