new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
