It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
