You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
