I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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