Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
