I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
