I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
