the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
