Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
