I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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