you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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