I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
