So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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