Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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