So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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