I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
