Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
