Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
