32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
