final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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