y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
