I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
