so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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