So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
