Yo dont text me then not text me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
