I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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