I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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