i wish starbucks made bloody marys
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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