i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
