He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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