Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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