i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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