i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
