Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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