it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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