you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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