i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
