I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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