Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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