I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
