wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
